text: 
 

When Johnny’s head hit the floor, he felt a sweet rush throughout his body.

He wondered: is this what dying feels like?

 

***

 

Johnny liked to run. He used to do it everyday but then

Johnny had a stroke and it made him turn gay. He was 

strokin’ it to guys and smokin’ Delta 8. He was 

hidin’ from his mom and dad to smoke and masturbate. 

 

Well, Momma misses Johnny cuz he turned into a sissy. And

Johnny misses Momma but she made him go missing. He was

sneaking into frats just to get with all the dudes. He was

wearin’ floral skirts, he was tryin’ out boobs.

 

Johnny hated Johnny cuz he walked real weird. And

Johnny hated Johnny cuz Johnny was a queer. He was

cryin’ after fuckin’, he was cutting his wrists. He 

loved getting violated, hated getting kissed. Johnny

 

didn’t like to look at all the people watching him. He kept his

eyes dead down and made music with his limp. Johnny

threw away his cane just to try and feel right. But it 

didn’t so he slept with older men he met online. Johnny 

 

stopped coming home but he didn’t know why. His old 

place felt weird without running or his bike. He couldn’t 

sleep in the room he had slept in as a kid. And so he

moved away and changed his name — killed the old him when he did.

 

*** 

 

How do you tell

a mother 

that her son 

is dead?
How do you explain it

when her silence was the thing

that killed him? 

 

***

 

Before I knew my issue, I ran

Just cuz I was a kid. 

Then running became abuse, 

My punishment for the thoughts I hid.

 

A boy, in fourth grade, asked me

if I was a faggot. I 

asked my mom what a faggot was. 

She said “it doesn’t matter.”

 

In freshman year of high school, 

I started wearing makeup. 

My mom wouldn’t allow it 

And so I ran the pain off.

 

I lived inside my bedroom. 

I left only to go to school. 

I talked to strangers in chat rooms,

who said my body was beautiful.

 

And then I broke my body. 

I fell and pissed on the bathroom tile.

My body limp in panic: 

Melted in a synthetic smile.

 

Dad carried me to the car 

and rushed me to the ER downtown. 

I tried to hear the radio 

But my thoughts were way too loud.

 

Mom held my hand in the hospital room.

She told me that she loved me.

She sat through all my favorite shows

just to make me happy.

 

Mom and Dad hid their tears

To keep me feeling steady 

I wish we could have cried together

’Bout the pain that belonged to the family.

 

***

 

I love all my boys. They’re each so special to me. 

 

Anthony’s the oldest. He’s always loved having younger brothers. I know because he tells me and because he always included his younger brothers in the big kid activities he’d do with his friends. 

 

Johnny’s the second oldest. He’s a free spirit who pierces his ears and dyes his hair. He encourages all of us to be adventurous.

 

Finn’s the third child. He’s very protective and sweet. He loves to give hugs and always wants to help people. He’s our peacemaker. 

 

Henry’s the youngest. He’s quiet but when he talks, everyone laughs. After Johnny’s stroke, Henry joined the cross-country team because of him. 

 

They all have big hearts, which I really noticed after Johnny had his stroke. 

 

There was the time Johnny and his dad went to California for his radiation treatment. He was there during his birthday and he was away from home and friends and the rest of us. His brothers posted Johnny’s phone number on their Snapchat stories with a message saying to text their brother and wish him a happy birthday. Johnny woke up to hundreds of texts from people he knew and people he didn’t. And that was the extra love he needed that day.

 

My favorite memory I have of Johnny while he was in the hospital is of him singing. Earlier that day he had been told he wouldn’t be able to run again. Running was just so important to him. He still hasn’t given up on getting that back. Anyway, a couple hours after his doctor came by, a music therapist visited him and played some songs on her guitar. After a while, he asked her to play his favorite song so he could sing. When she did, he just lit up. Hospital staff came into his room to hear their duet. I was crying. He was just so happy. And that’s all I’ll ever want for him, is to be happy. 

 

I love Johnny. I really do. I just wish I could help him. My sweet boy.